Let's Get [a] Physical

Posted on Mon Sep 30th, 2024 @ 9:23pm by Lieutenant Commander Alexander Espersen & Lieutenant JG Kally Kellerman

Mission: Lower Decks
Location: Sickbay

He had put it off long enough.

Oh sure, the stereotype of the command officer doing everything they could to get out of their medical examinations had been well played out. "Oh how original. The XO doesn't want to go to sickbay. Boring. Try something new, Pal."

But clichés are cliché for a reason, and that reason was that Alexander Espersen had neither the time to devote to a medical exam when he felt perfectly fine nor the patience today to deal with the antics of anyone named Kally or Kellerman, and the CMO ticked both boxes.

And even Benvenuto was giving him attitude for what she called his 'irresponsibility'. "You're on an away mission and Markova has to haul your sorry Martian tush back to the beam-out site because you didn't get that congenital heart defect properly diagnosed. The whole party gets wiped clean because you didn't want to spend a few minutes with that pretty blonde Doctor. So go! I'll finish up here." At least after that outburst she had the sense of adding a "Sir".

It wasn't an ideal day, but...sigh...it really was the best time for it. He could do it. So he probably should.

On his way out, Benvenuto had to get in one last jab. "Hey Commander, if you're a good patient maybe she'll give you a sweet treat to lick! And maybe a lollipop too!"

With a sigh, the XO made his way out of the office where the two had been working and found his way to sickbay.

"--and then they made me their queen," Kally said as the doors opened. The other doctor and nurses on duty were laughing as if to the conclusion of a story, but quieted down when they saw someone entering. Kally turned and her bright smile immediately melted. "Commander," she said, her tone overly professional. "What makes me so fortunate to be added to your no-doubt busy schedule?"

"Doctor," he said, stiffly. "In truth, I am due for a health assessment and my immediate reports aren't letting me get anything done until I do something about it. I can either fight tooth and claw to avoid this or I can get it done and get back to work."

"Well how fortunate you're such a sensible man," Kally said, dryly. She stood up and grabbed a tricorder from an equipment shelf and gestured to one of the exam rooms. "Right this way," she said, adding under her breath, "could've fought a little," as she walked by.

She closed the exam room doors and patted the biobed. "Have a seat, lie back and try to relax."

He sat, lay down, and closed his eyes. He took some deep breaths and did his best to relax. Not easy at all.

Kally scanned him slowly, looking at the biobed and at the tricorder's readings. "Any abnormal symptoms lately? Headaches, nausea, blurred vision?"

“Only when getting dissected by my Doctor,” he quipped. “Fine, mild headaches sometimes, but you try managing this crew and come out without the occasional headache. Vision is fine, and no nausea.”

"Appetite normal? Sleeping well?" Kally continued, her voice sounding almost bored with the routine of it.

“More or less.”

"And how about 'Little Number One'. Any problems having him stand at attention?" She smirked as she continued to scan.

Alexander pinched the bridge of his nose. “Remember those headaches? Actually…” If this was going to be awkward, he may as well benefit. Maybe it would also cut down the awkwardness. “There have been one or two times. It was always fixed with, shall we say, direct attention, but if it’s the start of something let’s nip this in the bud now.”

Kally pulled out the remote to her tricorder and scanned him again, checking a few more specific readings. "When was the last time it had any 'direct attention,' she said. She glanced at his expression and frowned. "Stop looking at me like that, it's a legitimate question."

"Last week," he answered firmly.

"And when was the last time it had any direct stimulation that wasn't your own?" Kally said. Part of her wanted to put more snark into the question, but she found herself curious. He'd never responded to her at the academy in any positive way so she'd given up trying to charm him. She'd wondered if there was anyone in the galaxy who could. Now she could finally get an answer.

His first reaction was to be offended. It wasn't a medically relevant question, and if she didn't want to be respectful in her actual job aboard the ship then he'd make sure they found another doctor who could do the job. But he also knew that she was just trying to bait him. Her attitude was far from ideal but how much worse was it than so many others aboard? He'd sighed his way through worse from Benvenuto or Tanikawa or even the Captain.

"Last week," he repeated. "Explain to me how that's medically relevant and I'll give you whatever additional details you may need, Doctor," he added. "Do you need to know how long it can last? Or how big it is? If my own practices are necessary for my medical history I suppose you'll want every detail you can get." The edge in his voice oscillated between annoyance, anger, and mirth, and realistically he couldn't decide how he actually felt anymore.

"Masturbation has a slightly positive effect on the body," Kally said. "Having a climax releases endorphins which help reduce stress, lower blood pressure, and could even ease those headaches you're getting." She closed her tricorder and leaned back against a counter. "But sex does those things far better, far stronger, and the effects last far longer. Given your generally stressed attitude and the coloring in your cheeks, I'd guess your BP is generally elevated, and I'm sure I'm not helping. That can interfere with the very thing that can help it."

She put her tricorder down. "If you're having trouble maintaining interest in both situations, that could be something physical. If you're having trouble with others but not as much alone, it's more likely mental. So, the next time you're feeling amorous, when you're done, take a moment to reflect and see how it went. If there's something concerning you, come see me."

That explanation stopped the XO short. He had been so quick to anger at her, her attitude generally not being helpful, but her answer was direct, logical, relevant, and helpful. "Um. Yeah, okay. That makes sense. You have my apologies, and I have a question then."

"Fire away," Kally said, repressing a victorious smirk.

"I've had a couple of partners in the past few months," he ventured. The actual number was two, but he had no need for precision right now. "Perhaps not with the frequency I'd prefer or benefit from. You might not be surprised to learn that a few crew members do indeed get my blood pressure up."

Ni khrena she thought. "Kakoy syurpriz," she said out loud, her voice deadpan. "I'll assume you mean the way I do to you, not the way I do to everyone else."

"You assume right," he deadpanned. "What I'm actually wondering is whether the stronger, longer health benefits of sex, to use your words, appear in holodeck sex, or whether health wise that's closer to masturbation, or somewhere in the middle. There are days that after a long time spent trapped with my stressors and when a partner is unavailable but the holodeck might be." For Alexander, this was now a question of practicality and of technical interest.

Kally bobbed her head back and forth a bit. "About sixty-forty," she said. "It gives you the physical workout, if you're doing it right, but I can assure you, after much study, nothing beats the real thing." She gave him a wry grin. "So, it'll do the job for now, but don't think of it as a permanent solution."

"Only sixty percent of the value?" Alexander asked. "I would've thought it would be higher. Assuming the simulation is realistic, and assuming that emotional intimacy isn't a factor, then I wonder why it would be so much less effective."

"The realism is why it's 60% effective," Kally said. "However, emotional intimacy is always a factor, and without it, sex can only do so much for you."

He nodded. “Fair enough.” He thought back to his own experiences, old and new. He was but a client of Michelle, he knew that very well, but when they were together it felt like true intimacy (by design, he assumed; she was very good at her job, and he’d had courtesans from her firm that opened themselves in a similar way and ones that kept it clinical). The Captain seemed to be a person of many passions; he knew their fling was just that: a one-off fling, one that was deep and real in the moment, but no less transient for it. He suspected Kellerman was similar. He had judged her first for it (which was strange, since he wasn’t similarly judgmental toward Cally or Michelle). He thought about quipping something like ‘sixty person of a big number is more than a hundred percent of a smaller one, eh?’ But that wasn’t fair of him, was it? He had every right to be annoyed with her sometimes, but she deserved his respect, not unnecessary judgment. Besides, the Captain liked her a lot.

And he already knew that the deepest, most meaningful connections are not permanent. They could snap just as easily as the transient ones. Najaat taught him that.

“Um.”

"Yes? Do you need suggestions for positions?" Kally said, her patience wearing thin.

“I’m sorry, okay?” Alexander said. “It’s been a day, and you’ve not done anything to deserve me being rude to you. At least not today. You’ve been helpful with my health problems, intimate ones even, and today’s been hard. So I’m sorry that we got off on the wrong foot.”

"We've been on the wrong foot for years," Kally said. "What say, we attempt something slightly less adversarial hm?"

The Commander nodded.

"Great. We put aside our differences and move to something more cooperative and mutually respectful. You support me as First Officer, I support you as Chief Medical Officer. You give me guidance and wisdom, I'll remove that rod that keeps you from sitting comfortably. Win win."

Alexander smirked. “And what do you recommend for that? Getting laid more consistently?”

"Well I'm certainly a fucking delight to be around, so there's one piece of data to consider," Kally said, dryly. "But for now let's just work on avoiding pushing each other's buttons. Go back to doing whatever it is Bridge officers do, and let me get back to work with our guests."

“Yes, ma’am,” Alexander replied with a mock salute. He got off the biobed, adjusted his uniform, and exited stage right. He had not necessarily made a friend but he had, at least tentatively, lost an enemy, which wasn’t nothing. Now he could finish off the day reasonably well and begin anew with a crew member on decent terms.

He would just need to see if Michelle was available this evening.

OFF